24 September, 2011

R U Ok?

the short answer to this is no. no i'm not.

the long answer is this:

i'm now 12 weeks in after my 4th (and final) baby and i feel like i'm struggling.

i think i may be suffering from post natal depression. it actually has nothing to do with the kids and more to do with myself, how i feel about my body and my desire to loose 25kg. i've had 4 children in 5 years and it has obviously taken a toll on my body.

i wanted an easy way to loose the weight, it wasn't going to work. i picked myself up from this and decided ok, well, it's the old fashioned way then & contacted my personal trainer to go from there. we hit a few speed bumps sorting some stuff out and i crumbled.

when i hit lows they are really low and i cry at everything to the point where my 5yo keeps asking 'mummy why are you crying?'. i feel overwhelmed and i just don't know if i can pull myself out this time. this has all just hit me this week, up until now i have actually been ok.

i have never suffered from depression myself but i have experienced it with people around me so i am no complete stranger to it. but i feel defeated, i feel like all of those people who said 'how will you possibly cope darling?' have won. you can read about my previous post about it here.

i feel like i've failed. they were right. i'm not coping. i'm overwhelmed and logically i know it doesn't mean i've failed i can't help but feel it. i know it is nothing to be ashamed of so that's why i'm putting it out there. being a mother is no easy job.

looking after 6 people takes a lot of work. not hard work but constant, mundane and repetitive never ending work. the work is just never done, never. plus i run a business.

i am going to see my dr next week to talk about it and hopefully get some help for a little while to lessen the rock bottom lows.


  1. :( I only have 2 and feel I can't cope most days! You have not failed, being a mother (and everything else that comes along with it) is not easy. At least you have acknowledged that there is a problem and doing something about it! That takes a lot of courage just to admit to yourself that something is not right. I hope you get the help you require and can get back to enjoying this time with you children <3

  2. Hi Nicky,

    Dont feel like you are alone. After my bub I had similar feelings. I would cry for no reason at all. I love my baby soo much but with so many hormones running around and a distinct lack of sleep everything was too much. I went to the doctors and drugs are not the only answer. I was given the name of a great counsellor (unfortunately she is on maternity leave now) and just being able to vent once a week reminds you that you are not going insane. In addition, medicare offer a rebate on your first 6 visits - money may not be a problem but it is good to know that this is on offer.

  3. The fact that you have expressed and exposed your situation shows your strenth and courage in a time most hide away in the dark. Congratualtions on your effort to acknowledge and seek help. Motherhood is no walk in the park (i think most will agree)but like any outing in the park you need company PLEASE ask for help with family and friends even the littlest job can create a big reward when not having to worry over it. All the best to you over the next few weeks and beyond. May the sparkle in your children's eyes be the stars that light your way out of the dark. xx

  4. Nicky,

    Just want to let you know that I have been reading your blog and think you are amazing to have 4 children and run a business. I ran a business with 1 and it was very difficult to keep things going in all aspects of your life.

    The first year after having your baby is the hardest. I also tried to lose the baby weight fast and it resulted in not being able to breastfeed and feeling like I had failed (c-section for me too!).

    You know, no-one but you really cares if you are carrying a little extra weight so soon after your bub. With 6 people to feed and look after and a business to run worrying about weight adds another dimension to your day. I'm guessing it will slowly drop off over the year running after 4 littlies anyway. :-)

    I think you are obviously very talented with your site and have 4 beautiful little ones. (the pic of your bub in the hospital was gorgeous!).

    Take care of yourself and make sure you fit lots of cuddles in!


    ps. I'm due in 3 months and am just waiting to see how big I get before I put my order in for a gown. Can't wait! Take care!

  5. The little red hen24 September, 2011 21:06

    I'm so glad you feel able to say that you are finding things hard & put your hand out for some help. I'm not glad that you are feeling bad but I hope that with the right help things will improve for you soon. I can understand the feeling that the 4 kid naysayers are being proved right but I'm sure you know they aren't-your family is beautiful & just perfect as it is. I wish I had been brave enough to tell others that I was struggling with pnd when I had it. Hearing other women like yourself open up about their experience makes it easier for me to be open about my own time with pnd, and I hope that will help other women going through it too. So thank you, big hugs to you and I hope you start to feel better really soon.

  6. I appreciate your honesty. It takes courage to be honest and clearly you are strong. It's ok to not be ok. You are incredibly strong and you have certainly not failed at anything, even if you feel you have. Be kind to yourself and take whatever help you can get, run with it and don't even think of looking back. Keep reminding yourself that your body is still going through major adjustments and it takes time for everything to settle back down.

    You will have always have 4 beautiful children, but they will grow and things will change and the burden of the exhaustive daily grind bogging you down right now will pass. You do not have to suffer alone in the meantime.

    Hang in there beautiful mama, big hugs.
    K xxx

  7. Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive comments. It means a lot. x