R U Ok?

the short answer to this is no. no i'm not.

the long answer is this:

i'm now 12 weeks in after my 4th (and final) baby and i feel like i'm struggling.

i think i may be suffering from post natal depression. it actually has nothing to do with the kids and more to do with myself, how i feel about my body and my desire to loose 25kg. i've had 4 children in 5 years and it has obviously taken a toll on my body.

i wanted an easy way to loose the weight, it wasn't going to work. i picked myself up from this and decided ok, well, it's the old fashioned way then & contacted my personal trainer to go from there. we hit a few speed bumps sorting some stuff out and i crumbled.

when i hit lows they are really low and i cry at everything to the point where my 5yo keeps asking 'mummy why are you crying?'. i feel overwhelmed and i just don't know if i can pull myself out this time. this has all just hit me this week, up until now i have actually been ok.

i have never suffered from depression myself but i have experienced it with people around me so i am no complete stranger to it. but i feel defeated, i feel like all of those people who said 'how will you possibly cope darling?' have won. you can read about my previous post about it here.

i feel like i've failed. they were right. i'm not coping. i'm overwhelmed and logically i know it doesn't mean i've failed i can't help but feel it. i know it is nothing to be ashamed of so that's why i'm putting it out there. being a mother is no easy job.

looking after 6 people takes a lot of work. not hard work but constant, mundane and repetitive never ending work. the work is just never done, never. plus i run a business.

i am going to see my dr next week to talk about it and hopefully get some help for a little while to lessen the rock bottom lows.

things the books don't tell you

i started thinking about some of the things i've realised over the past 6 years, the stuff that you just don't find printed in all of those book you read about pregnancy, birth and beyond.

here's a list of a few i'd like to share:

• you will feel guilty
• you will cry, some sad tears, some happy
• it's ok to cry
• birthing any way is ok
• having pain relief through labour is ok
• some mothers judge and make other mothers feel bad. they are not worth your time
• breast feeding is great
• bottle feeding is great
• choice is great
• kids change your life
• c-sections hurt - a lot
• some things get easier, some get harder
• drink lots of pear juice after birth - trust me!
• the end of pregnancy is hard no matter who you are
• breastfeeding hurts at first, even when you're doing it 'right'
• a good photograph is all about angles
• fed is best
• if you've had a natural birth, you should not attempt to use a tampon for at least 6 months. when you do - it will hurt

can you relate to any of the things on the list above?