sharing

i don't like sharing.

pretty much plain and simple, i really don't like sharing anything.

i especially do not like sharing my bed, my pillow and my drinks. with anyone. obviously i do share my bed with my husband, and i am ok with that - really i am. what i don't like to do is share my bed with my children and definitely do. not. touch. my. pillow!

i guess some of this feeling is just me and some of it comes from me feeling like i share everything of me all the time. i've shared my body to grow 4 beautiful children over the past 5.5 years, i share my time, my emotion my everything all day and all night and i guess some little things i consider precious and just simply - mine.

how do you go with sharing, do you mind?

the strangest thing

so if you've read my blog before you may already know that i don't breastfeed. it is purely by choice and i am completely comfortable and ok with this choice. i had no desire to breastfeed this time with baby #4 but that wasn't always the case.

i did try to breastfeed my first baby, and in hindsight to stupid lengths. i really tried hard and wanted desperately for it to work. it didn't. i felt bad, i felt pressure, i felt like i had failed. i felt like i had to explain to people that i did try to breastfeed but i never got milk. i read all of these comments that everyone gets milk, you just have to try harder. i never got milk. plain and simple i just never got milk.

in the end it was such a horrific experience in general for me and my baby and i swore black and blue i was never going to put myself through that hell again. i heard there was a tablet you could take after the baby was born to stop you getting milk. as soon as i fell pregnant again i spoke to my dr and told him i wanted that, fine, it was sorted. when baby number 2, 3 & 4 arrived it didn't even cross my mind to breastfeed - until now....

a few weeks ago after my shower i wondered to myself if the tablet had indeed stopped my milk. i squeezed my breast and *gasp* there was milk....

this got me thinking 'what if'.. what if i i tried.. would i know what to do? would my baby know what to do?

did i try it? no. but i did wonder.

at the end of the day fed is best. if the baby is fed, happy and settled then life is good.

update

my little baby is 2 weeks old now and i can honestly say the time is just flying by, way too quickly.

i'm feeling good, my recovery is going well, much better than last time which is what everyone said. it is still harder than a natural birth recovery and it's hard not being able to do everything but i'm getting there.

i love all my children equally, however, this time i feel far more.. patient or something.... content maybe.

i love and appreciate this little baby more than anything and i am relishing every second she is this little as i know i won't have this ever again. the other kids are doing great and just love their new sister so much.

i'm 2 weeks old...

mila rose

welcome to the world mila rose.

you joined our family at 4.45pm on friday 1st july 2011.

we love you, you complete me and my child bearing, you complete us as a family.

tomorrow we will leave hospital and begin our life at home with dadda, your sisters and brother. your big sister loves you soo much as does your big brother, your little big sister is still adjusting to you but we just know she too will love you more than anything.

my love always
mama

x

1st july 2011

today is the day, today is your day, the day you will be born.

i'm feeling quite scared about the surgery but i am so excited to finally meet you. to touch you, to see what you look like, to see how big (or little) you are. to name you, your name, your special name.

here is the last picture of you in my belly, the next picture will just be you, wrapped up in a nice warm lanky or 'snug as a bug in a rug' as we like to say.

you have been a bit quiet this morning, i wonder if you know what's about to happen. i am enjoying feeling you move for the last time, the last time for you but the last time ever for me too.

i love you more than words can say.

mama

the end is near...

the date is set, the end is near and emotions are running high.

i finally got the date set with my dr this week and i have a focus point for this to all end. i am so happy, excited but most of all right now anxious and quite scared. it felt very confronting when i did all the paperwork with the dr for the surgery and he ran through all the risks of the surgery etc. now i know that is just procedure and i have had a c/section before (emergency) plus other surgery but this i felt quite emotional over. it is just sooooooooo different to giving birth naturally.

i am like an emotional ball of rubber bands ready to be cut and unravelled at any given second right now. i was even snitchy with one of my very dear, kind, helpful and caring friends (sorry anita!) for which i apologised after, i am just so on edge.

i had a really good chat with my best friend (thanks sarah) who has 5 children, had 3 natural, 4th emergency c/section, 5th kind of planned c/section so she totally gets where i am coming from on every level.

i know all will be fine and as soon as i see my precious little baby girl all will be forgotten, i just can't shake this emotional fear right now. i'm also getting my tubes tied during the surgery and whilst this is exactly what i definitely want to do i feel very sad that i won't be having any more babies. i can pass up the pregnancy bit any day but the new babies i just love!

i am keeping the date under wraps right now for my own sanity as i just can't be reminded all the time that it is approaching, plus i like the idea of making the news a little surprise for you all.

belly getting very big now....

week 36

week 36

i've been doing it tough and just want this over. now i've managed to pick up a cold just for good measure. as i sit here covered with tissues to stop my constantly dripping nose i feel completely sorry for myself.

seeing dr again this week so desperately hoping to get my date finalised. this will give me the focus to get through to the end.

until next week..