it seems i have an invisible suit

do you ever feel like you're invisible?

i certainly do, well that is until someone wants something.

i embarked on my weightloss/fitness mission about 2 months ago and i've been going really well. i've lost 11kg so far and i'm a hell of a lot fitter than i was and i'm just starting to feel like my body has some sort of normality about it. having 4 babies certainly isn't easy on the body!

aside from my personal trainer (who i love!) and my husband not one person has commented on me looking any different. i don't think i look drastically different yet but surely they can see something?

and what this does is highlights how invisible it can feel to be a mother.

prior to having my children i was a commercial sales manager for an appliance company. it was during the real boom in unit development and i was considered senior management and well.... important. there i had job satisfaction even if it didn't come in the way of the owner saying 'well done on getting that order for 150 units' i had a sense of completion. problems were solved, goods sent out and just jobs completed.

motherhood jobs are never completed. no-one ever says 'well done' and 'thank you' is about teaching the kids manners rather than someone actually being thankful.

so i figure clearly i must have my invisible suit on and people just can't see what a huge achievement loosing 11kg is...

do you ever feel invisible?

i'm sorry, what did you say?

today i took all 4 kids to a major shopping center to get lachlan's hair cut. i was prepared for the stares and the comments that people seem to think is acceptable to say just because you have more than 2 children.

the kids were actually good and we did received a few funny looks a bit like we were the travelling freak show but we didn't have to endure any comments. the lovely lady who cut lachy's hair said how lovely all the kids were and asked if i'd be trying for another boy, ahhhh that would be a NO! it did make a nice change from the usual things people say like:

gee you must have your hands full - ahh no shit sherlock!

i don't know how you cope - well actually neither do i but is there an option?

were they all planned? - no, we only 'tried' for our 3rd but feel completely blessed that we didn't actually have fertility issues.

gee that must be expensive - i don't recall asking you to pay for anything so how about you mind your own business!

are they all yours? - well unless i'm in the habit of picking up stray children around the place, yes, yes they are.

i don't know how you do it - i don't know that either.

don't you have a tv - sorry, what's that got to do with the price of cheese in china?

you're not having any more are you? - no i'm not but again that's none of your damn business!

now i know people aren't saying these things to be malicious but seriously do they really think they are the first ones who've said it to me? do you think pointing out obvious things to me helps me in my day?

so instead of a stare or a stupid comment how about a smile and "have a wonderful day".

please help this little boy & his family

i learnt of this terribly sad story some time ago. william morrison is a very sick little boy in brisbane and is suffering from a rare form of leukaemia.

his family has been by his bedside for the past 5 months, hoping & praying for him to get better. they are selling their family home as they have been unable to work in their normal jobs.

you can read william's story on the below link.

www.staystrongwill.com.au

if you can give to this lovely family and poor little boy please do so on the link on their website.

thank you.

R U Ok?

the short answer to this is no. no i'm not.

the long answer is this:

i'm now 12 weeks in after my 4th (and final) baby and i feel like i'm struggling.

i think i may be suffering from post natal depression. it actually has nothing to do with the kids and more to do with myself, how i feel about my body and my desire to loose 25kg. i've had 4 children in 5 years and it has obviously taken a toll on my body.

i wanted an easy way to loose the weight, it wasn't going to work. i picked myself up from this and decided ok, well, it's the old fashioned way then & contacted my personal trainer to go from there. we hit a few speed bumps sorting some stuff out and i crumbled.

when i hit lows they are really low and i cry at everything to the point where my 5yo keeps asking 'mummy why are you crying?'. i feel overwhelmed and i just don't know if i can pull myself out this time. this has all just hit me this week, up until now i have actually been ok.

i have never suffered from depression myself but i have experienced it with people around me so i am no complete stranger to it. but i feel defeated, i feel like all of those people who said 'how will you possibly cope darling?' have won. you can read about my previous post about it here.

i feel like i've failed. they were right. i'm not coping. i'm overwhelmed and logically i know it doesn't mean i've failed i can't help but feel it. i know it is nothing to be ashamed of so that's why i'm putting it out there. being a mother is no easy job.

looking after 6 people takes a lot of work. not hard work but constant, mundane and repetitive never ending work. the work is just never done, never. plus i run a business.

i am going to see my dr next week to talk about it and hopefully get some help for a little while to lessen the rock bottom lows.

things the books don't tell you

i started thinking about some of the things i've realised over the past 6 years, the stuff that you just don't find printed in all of those book you read about pregnancy, birth and beyond.

here's a list of a few i'd like to share:

• you will feel guilty
• you will cry, some sad tears, some happy
• it's ok to cry
• birthing any way is ok
• having pain relief through labour is ok
• some mothers judge and make other mothers feel bad. they are not worth your time
• breast feeding is great
• bottle feeding is great
• choice is great
• kids change your life
• c-sections hurt - a lot
• some things get easier, some get harder
• drink lots of pear juice after birth - trust me!
• the end of pregnancy is hard no matter who you are
• breastfeeding hurts at first, even when you're doing it 'right'
• a good photograph is all about angles
• fed is best
• if you've had a natural birth, you should not attempt to use a tampon for at least 6 months. when you do - it will hurt

can you relate to any of the things on the list above?

sharing

i don't like sharing.

pretty much plain and simple, i really don't like sharing anything.

i especially do not like sharing my bed, my pillow and my drinks. with anyone. obviously i do share my bed with my husband, and i am ok with that - really i am. what i don't like to do is share my bed with my children and definitely do. not. touch. my. pillow!

i guess some of this feeling is just me and some of it comes from me feeling like i share everything of me all the time. i've shared my body to grow 4 beautiful children over the past 5.5 years, i share my time, my emotion my everything all day and all night and i guess some little things i consider precious and just simply - mine.

how do you go with sharing, do you mind?

the strangest thing

so if you've read my blog before you may already know that i don't breastfeed. it is purely by choice and i am completely comfortable and ok with this choice. i had no desire to breastfeed this time with baby #4 but that wasn't always the case.

i did try to breastfeed my first baby, and in hindsight to stupid lengths. i really tried hard and wanted desperately for it to work. it didn't. i felt bad, i felt pressure, i felt like i had failed. i felt like i had to explain to people that i did try to breastfeed but i never got milk. i read all of these comments that everyone gets milk, you just have to try harder. i never got milk. plain and simple i just never got milk.

in the end it was such a horrific experience in general for me and my baby and i swore black and blue i was never going to put myself through that hell again. i heard there was a tablet you could take after the baby was born to stop you getting milk. as soon as i fell pregnant again i spoke to my dr and told him i wanted that, fine, it was sorted. when baby number 2, 3 & 4 arrived it didn't even cross my mind to breastfeed - until now....

a few weeks ago after my shower i wondered to myself if the tablet had indeed stopped my milk. i squeezed my breast and *gasp* there was milk....

this got me thinking 'what if'.. what if i i tried.. would i know what to do? would my baby know what to do?

did i try it? no. but i did wonder.

at the end of the day fed is best. if the baby is fed, happy and settled then life is good.