feeling boo hoo

i'll be 20 weeks along this week, and oh boy how quickly this is all happening. i'm sure with each pregnancy the time just seems to go by quicker, i guess because life is just so busy, there isn't much time to just sit or think about being pregnant.

getting further along has prompted me to really think about the fact that i will be having another cesarean. i cannot stress enough how much i really, really, really do not want to have surgery again. having done both natural (my first 2) then cesarean (my 3rd) i know the difference and i can tell you 1000% i would rather labour for 30hrs, heck even 48hrs to avoid that surgery and the recovery pain.

a sterile, cold operating room full of people, bright blinding lights being strapped to a table is not my idea of celebrating the birth of my baby. now i'm not an all natural type of woman for birth, i do have epidurals which means i am confined to the bed for my birth, but i do have my husband with me ALL the time and i have my favourite cd playing on the stereo and my lip gloss on my table right at arms lenght. all of that is gone by signing up for a repeat cesarean.

i thought i had dealt with this and i was 'ok' with the surgery and recovery but i just don't think i am.

i just watched a video of a woman who had a cesarean for her first birth after 'failure to progress' then she had a planned cesarean with her 2nd baby as she was told the baby was 'big' then she had a home water birth for her 3rd. i cried and cried. i remember lying on that operating table being absolutely terrified and i just know i am going to be terrified again.

my husband wants me to have the cesarean as he do not want to take a risk no matter how small. he said 'you've done it natural, you have given birth before'. i guess by that he means i have done it that way, i've had my experience, now it's just time to go with the 'safe' way. it is so not about that for me. i know i can do it, i've done it. it's about the experience as explained above and the recovery.

my dr said he would support a vbac for me but he 'really doesn't recommend it'. i get this, dr's are all about avoiding any risk and obviously he can't tell me all will be fine. he has seen a rupture before and actually had to repair it but he has not had a patient in his care that has ruptured. possibly because they all have repeat cesareans perhaps?

i am conflicted and it doesn't sit well with me.

have you had a vbac & what was you experience? or alternatively, did you choose to have a repeat cesarean, if so were you happy with your choice. i would love to hear from you to try and make this decision a little easier for me.

thanks in advance.