so far so good..

we've made it to double figures, 10 weeks along now.

i've had a few scans as i had some bleeding and the baby is happy and healthy with a strong heartbeat for now so fingers crossed.

going ok except i've managed to seriously hurt my back so getting around and doing things for the kids is a bit of a challenge. hopefully in the next couple of days things will improve.

little bean is growing, growing..

until next time...

oh how you've grown

my dearest lara-grace,

wishing you a very happy 5th birthday for today.

i remember the day i met you like it was just last week and i can't believe 5 years have passed us by.

you are off to prep next year and we have some uniforms for you already. you are very excited and also very ready for this next stage in your life.

you are also very excited that we are having another baby and you can't wait to meet your new brother or sister.

love always,

mama x

never say never...

i never thought i would say this but i've decided i am going to book into have a cesarean for this birth, as it's going to be easier. in my mind cesarean definitely does not equal easier, however in this instance it does.

i am a planner, through and through. i am also very detail orientated.

the cesarean i experienced with my 3rd child was all but good. firstly i wasn't meant to have one, secondly it happened after 33 hours of labour and thirdly the recovery was horrible. i obviously overdid it at some point and 2 weeks after the surgery i was back to pain like day 1 recovery. it was so bad i had to go back onto the strong painkillers just to get some relief.

now that i've had a cesarean they do not like to induce you due to the risk of labour coming on very quickly and the uterus rupturing. at the end of pregnancy i suffer terribly from severe sciatic back and hip pain which is why i get induced at 38 weeks.

i like the thought of having a v-bac delivery but it just isn't practical for me to wait to go into labour & then if you don't and you go overdue they won't induce you so it's surgery anyway. aside from that already having 3 little children i need to get my mum to fly in to look after them whilst i am in hospital and that just isn't so easy at a moments notice.

so that's my decision and slowly i am getting used to the idea.

my dr has booked me in for the cesarean at 38 weeks and if by some miracle i go into labour before that i would attempt the v-bac.

i can only hope with this time being planned the experience is a little easier for me to take and the recovery better.

fingers crossed and remember never say never...

here we are at 8 weeks

feeling ok and morning sickness seems to have subsided. i can't quite believe i will have another baby is just 7 months time... i wonder if it's a pink or blue one this time..

freaking out

so i'm freaking out.

in my hormonal, emotional pregnant state i feel like i've got so many people around me saying 'geez 4 kids, you're mad' and 'how are you going to cope?' and 'why would you do this to yourself 'darling'?'

now don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but really, does this help?

i've heard it that much lately i am starting to completely doubt myself, and i hate that.

i have so few people telling me 'oh that's great, how exciting!' and so many of the other i'm seriously starting to get a bit down.

i had a discussion with my very best friend about it and like she says 'what exactly is not coping anyway?' so sometimes things get tough, you have a little cry then you get on with it. is that 'not coping', having a little meltdown from time to time?

do i have any preconceived ideas about this being easy? no, i definitely do not. i already have 3 children under 4 so i know it's going to be tough.

i'm just trying to stay positive, look at this as a complete blessing, know that really i am very lucky and keep the sunshine. and at the end of the day i truly believe things happen for a reason.